"Why Weepest Thou?"

Life is good. In fact, I would venture to say that life is really good. We just bought a house, Chris and I have good jobs, and we have some great friend and family support. This past summer has been a time of shifting perspectives for me, which have been hard at times but really great for growth. In our past ward I had the blessing of serving as the laurel advisor. I LOVED it! It was a great opportunity for me to refocus on some spiritually things that I had become a bit lazy with. In my studies for one of my lessons several months ago on the Atonement I became focused on the account in John where the resurrected Savior appears to Mary Magdalene. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. Here are some of my thoughts:

"Why Weepest Thou?"

One of my favorite accounts of the resurrected Lord in the New Testament is the account of the Savior speaking to Mary Magdalene at the empty tomb. Mary had discovered the empty tomb and summoned several disciples in here fear that the Savior's body had been stolen. After the disciples have come and gone, Mary, devoted and loving Mary, remained at the tomb to mourn.

"But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,

And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.

And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.

And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.

Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master." (JKV John 20:11-19)

I cannot help but think there are many things we can learn about the Savior and the Atonement through those sweet simple words, "why weepest thou?". It is so easy to imagine the angels and the Savior saying them with love and concern. Mary represents the broken hearted, the mournful, the sinful. She represents all who hurt and feel alone. The Savior and angels ask her the question they ask to all, why weepest thou?

Why Weepest Thou? A Message of Compassion

Because of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ we have a greater understanding of the Atonement. we know that the Savior has "borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows (Isaiah 53: 5)". He was sent to "heal the brokenhearted (Luke 4: 18)". We know that because of what he endured he understands our pain.

"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:11-12)

Not only does He understand our pain of illness, heartbreak, loneliness, and sin, He knows how to succor us individually. In fact, He endured it so that He would be able to help us. After returning from my mission I struggled to adjust to normal life. I felt that everything I did was useless and had no real meaning or purpose. I became depressed and anxious. I couldn't be alone in my apartment at night without getting incredibly anxious. A few times I even had minor panic attacks. At the time I was serving as Relief Society president in my singles ward and was trying to serve those sisters as best as I could. I remember trying to explain how I was feeling and thought that no one really understood the panic and anxiety that I felt. One day I was slapped with the lie. I thought that no one knew the turmoil that I felt during those moments but I was so terribly wrong. I was forgetting the Atonement. It wasn't until then that I really understood the breadth of the Atonement. Christ knew exactly how I felt. I couldn't explain it to others but I didn't need to explain it to Him. He knew because He has felt it. Not something like it, precisely what I felt. Now I think about the Savior, in those moments of anxiety and depression, reaching out to me like He reached out to Mary, asking "Woman, why weepest thou?" He asks with compassion for us to reach out to Him so He can succor us. He may not remove the heartbreak, loneliness, despair, or illness but He can empathize and carry us through.

Why Weepest Thou? An Invitation

When Christ appeared to the distraught Mary, He asked "why weepest thou? whom seekest thou?" Christ is there for each of us, regardless of our different circumstances. He knows what we need and when we need it. However, He invites each of us to reach out and accept His help. He knew very well why Mary was crying and who she was looking for. He knew, yet He waited for her to express her need. Are we reaching out to the Savior when He asks why we weep? To whom do we turn to for help and relief? His invitation is an invitation to hope and healing. It is an invitation to cease our weeping and rejoice in the blessings and healing power of the Atonement.

We have no reason to weep for long through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Though the Savior asks His question to Mary with compassion, I think that He also asks it almost rhetorically. What need have we to weep because the Savior has "borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." (Isaiah 53: 4-5)

Oh how time flies!

Yet again it has been a while since I last posted. I think my last post was before I got engaged and married. Now it has been over a month since I married Chris. I laugh when I think how much my life has changed in the past nine months. I never thought I would be here but here I am, so very glad that things worked the way they did. I think Chris and I had a lot of divine intervention to get us together.

Life is so very good. Our wedding was a beautiful day. I don't think I have ever been to a more beautiful sealing. It was hard not to cry when I saw the faces of so many wonderful people that I love. We were momentarily tempted to not go to Colorado for our honeymoon but we came home to find all our clothes from the closet piled on the bed and our closet in the process of being remodeled. That made the decision for us and we are glad that we went as we had a great week relaxing in the Colorado mountains outside of Durango.

We live in a cute basement apartment in Orem, not far from Target, the grocery store, the library, and the I-15. It is perfect. Not too big to clean, I can clean the whole house in an hour or so! It is great to be out of moldy college apartments. We still don't have a couch but that will come in time. Chris is still working at Mad Dog Cycles and I am substitute teaching. I have been lucky enough to get a job almost everyday. The special ed teachers suggested I switch subjects. It's always flattering know you are doing a good job. In our free time we read, watch movies, go hiking, cook, and go mountain biking. Life really is great!

Musings on Revelation

As you all know the past year has been one of change and learning for me. It had been a time where I have learned a lot about myself and about receiving revelation. For the last month or so I have prayed about a specific question and felt as if I received an answer but would second guess myself. One day while pondering revelation, faith, and a sure knowledge I had the following thoughts.

As Relief Society President for a year my counselors and I frequently sought revelation in coordinating visiting teaching assignments. Very rarely did we have strong impressions of who should visit who. Most of the time we thought of a name and one or more of us would say, "I feel good about that." We then trusted that the Lord had guided our efforts. By the end of the school year it was clear that those "good about that" moments were inspiration. It was never a sure knowledge. Only after the year passed could we see the Lord's hand as sisters who visit taught each other became roommates or asked to continue with their companions or teachees. I stress a lot about making right decisions. I think it is easy to forget that it doesn't matter how big the decision is. Sometimes the answer to our prayers is a simple "I feel good about that."

Life in between

It is a disconcerting feeling to be in between. I feel like that is where I am now: in between youth and adulthood, college and career, single and dating. In today's society everything is so fast paced. We need to be constantly moving forward or we will be left behind. Since I have graduated I have felt this nagging pressure to find a job and move on with my life, settle down and stop roaming. Yet I have no idea where to go to look for a job. I would love to teach in DC again but it's so far from family. I'm sort of dating someone right now who lives in Utah so do I go there? Many questions with very few answers. 

Yet amidst all this stress and confusion there has come a sense of peace. For too long I got caught up in the mystery of the future, trying unsuccessfully to piece together the what will be. Slowly I am learning to take things one day at a time, one step at a time. While I still have freak out moments I'm learning to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing and will direct my path because I can't see ahead in the darkness. I might not get a job next week or next month but when the time is right as I keep moving forward I will know. Maybe it is not so bad being in between. Maybe I'm really in between something great and something wonderful. I do know that whatever the Lord has in store for me is something better than I would have ever chosen for myself. He knows the end from the beginning and for a brief while I get to hang out in between.

Let's try this again!

Arlington National Cemetery on my birthday.

Fail. That is how I describe my attempts at blogging over the past four months. I'm sorry to disappoint many of you as I know that many wanted to hear of my exploits in DC. I thought that I might sum up my experience and then move on.

View of DC from across the Potomac.

Our trip to Mount Vernon. Me with my roommates.

Living and working in DC was quite an adventure. I loved living in the city and being so close to so much history and incredible museums! I loved the daily commute in to school every morning with its hustle and bustle. There were so many diverse people on the metro that it was fun to people watch. Men even offered their phone numbers which were kindly rejected. Each morning I read my scriptures on the 45 minute commute into DC from Arlington. I desperately needed that spiritual fortification before I began my day. Teaching was a blast. Teaching was stressful. Teaching is what I love! While it was very stressful to prepare lessons each day for the next day it taught me a lot about what I am capable of and how much the Lord can bless you. Pretty much the reason why I failed at keeping a blog was because I became a workaholic. After teaching two, sometimes three classes a day (I know that doesn't sound like much but we had block scheduling and only taught three classes a day.) I usually stayed at the school until 4:30 or 5 to help students and to plan/grade. Then after my 45-60 minute commute home I hastily ate dinner and then got right back to work. Work continued until 10:00 or 10:30 when I went to bed. The next day I got up and started all over again. Weekends were pretty much the same. In the evenings on weekends I frequently spent time with three great guys who lived downstairs: Zach, Dan, and Blake. I really miss those guys!

Mount Vernon in the fall.

Mount Vernon in the fall.

After a few weeks I stopped going to FHE and it wasn't long before Institute was kicked off the schedule as well. It was hard for me to watch my roommates have so much time to enjoy other activities but it was really important to me to do my best in my student teaching.

Shalyn and I at Mount Vernon.

Overall I had a great experience! Yes it was incredibly hard and there were days when I just wanted to throw in the towel and go home. Many times I questioned my choice of profession, particularly after fourth period. Yet as I learned more about teaching and more about my kids it became easier. I love my kids and miss them so much! They drove me crazy sometimes but frequently made me laugh. They were such a good group of kids and were so loving. Some of our highlights included  three evacuations: one for a bomb threat and two for fires in the bathroom. The bomb threat happened the end of my first or second week teaching full time. My mentor teacher left her cell phone in her car and so ran out to get in while I was teaching first period. She came back in, pulled me aside and said that no one was to leave the classroom due to a bomb threat but that I was supposed to continue teaching. Needless to say I was a little distracted finishing my lesson. A little while later they announced we were all to evacuate to the nearby middle school. We spent a few hours in their gym. We had a spontaneous teacher vs student volleyball game and a dance party before they released the students for the day. I also had a new student show up one day fresh from prison and completely high.

Shalyn and I in front of the new MLK memorial.

Over the course of the semester we had a fun time comparing and contrasting Medieval and Renaissance Art, competing as Italian city-states, creating humanist pieces of art, and many other fun activities. I also learned a great deal about differentiating instruction to meet the needs of students with different learning abilities. I learned so much. Hopefully the kids learned as much from me as I did from them. I got fabulous reviews from my mentor and supervisor. My last week at my school I was in the bathroom when I heard one of my students call out.

"Ms. Gee?"

"Yes?" I responded, somewhat puzzled that she wanted to have a conversation right now.

"Why do you have to leave? Please stay and keep being our teacher."

I waited to continue until I could see her face to face. She was so cute. She wanted me to stay and teach them the rest of the year, and the next year, and the year after that. How flattering that she would want me to stay AND teach her in the future.

Our free cupcakes from  Georgetown Cupcakes. So good!

I loved my experience in DC and know that I needed to be there. Those kids needed me for a short while and I needed them. Now I am at home trying to figure out what to do next but I hope that I can return to DC to teach, especially at my school. I'll keep you posted on future plans as they develop.  

Hurricane Irene and Washington, D.C.

Much has happened in the last week which I hope will be interesting to those that care to hear. In my two week break from school I enjoyed spending time with family in Phoenix. I got to see my niece Lyla for the first time and absolutely fell in love with her. She is adorable! When I wasn't getting ready to leave I was going to the movies with my parents, reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows among other fun things. Unfortunately my time went by too fast and it was time to leave. The interesting thing is that we almost changed my flight to leave on Friday to avoid the hurricane that was ripping through the eastern coast but in the end decided not to. This proved to be a bad decision as my flight from Memphis to D.C. was cancelled and I had to spend the night in Memphis, Tennessee.

Unfortunately, the flight that they rebooked me on did not leave until over twenty-four hours later! Despite the fact that I new it was a possibility I was slightly upset, shed a tear or two, and called my parents before I pulled myself together and acted like an adult. I found a hotel with a shuttle service and proceeded to spend the rest of the day there in solitude. I've been stranded alone in a foreign city before. While I could have spent some time in the city viewing the historical sites I opted for staying in my hotel room watching TV and eating pizza. It wasn't too bad overall. The next morning I cleaned up as best I could without my luggage and went to the airport to hang out. Arriving at the airport at ten when your flight doesn't leave until 6:51 PM equates to a rather long day. Apparently Delta wanted to make up for my cancelled flight by getting us in 24 minutes early and providing speedy bag service. When I arrived at the carousel I barely had time to grab my bags off before they went in again! I grabbed a taxi and no later than fifteen minutes after landing was on my way to my new home.

Shaylyn, Heather, and Joyce in front of the National Archives

Shaylyn and I at the mall in front of the Washington Monument

Located in a nice area of Arlington, our three bedroom apartment is situated on the eighth floor with a view of the Pentagon from our balcony! There are six BYU students that share an apartment. Our first night was spent getting to know each other. On Monday we had a busy day running errands and seeing some of the Mall. First order of business was to get our smartrip passes for the metro. I already had one thanks to my wonderful hometeacher Jason. Once we had them the city became our playground! The second item of business was to get some food. We had to walk a ways to the grocery store which I guess really isn't that far but we struggled to get home. Joyce, Heather, Shaylyn, and I had bags on our arms and in our bags. We chose to take the metro home which saved us. Today my arms hurt and my wrist is bruised because of it. Since then we have found a ride to the store in one of the married student teachers. After our expedition we went to the mall (where all the museums are). As we were waiting in the metro  we heard a commotion on the upper level. A young African-American boy came running down the escalator followed a minute later by a woman yelling "ROBBER!" and looking very angry. A few seconds later some police officers trailed after. Our second metro experience was a forceful reminder to watch your possessions when traveling. We enjoyed looking around the museums and spent a few hours looking at the paintings in the National Gallery!!! I loved it. The building itself is incredible and the museum is full of famous artists. Our viewing experience included John Singer Sargent, James McNeill Whistler, John Singleton Copely, Sir Joshua Reynolds, Rembrandt, Jan Steen, Johannes Vermeer and the Capitoline Venus. It was amazing. We had time to unpack and have dinner before we went to FHE to meet some of the other ward members. It was pretty fun but definitely different than Provo. It is easy to feel insecure around people who are older and more accomplished. I look forward to overcoming that feeling as I get to know everyone better! Thus far it has been the beginning of a fun adventure!

In front of the National Gallery

Change

I feel like I am stuck in a weird place. Change has never been easy for me and waiting for change is even harder. In exactly a week I will be across the country in Washington, D.C. about to embark on a new adventure. All summer I have been waiting for this and now I find myself full of mixed emotions. This year is a year of change and it comes whether we are ready or not. 

I recently walked in BYU's graduation ceremony and it was a strange feeling. Since we are five years old we are in school. We move from elementary school to middle school, from high school to college. We look at the future and we see more semesters of classes and life is constant. We understand that we keep going to school until one day it ends. The distant future becomes today. There is no more school to rely on. The future is hazy and uncertain. 

Why this is unsettling is easy to understand but in the back of my mind I question why it unsettles me so. Instead of seeing a maze of uncertainty before me I should see a myriad of opportunity. I know that worrying about the future is ridiculous. Heavenly Father has always taken care of me and He is not about to abandon me now. On my mission I came to notice a pattern. Whenever I would get comfortable in an area or with a companion something would change. A transfer would lead to a new companion or a new area, a beloved progressing investigator would drop us, or some other challenge would occur to end the feelings of comfort or complacency. I refer to this concept as the taffy principle. Just as taffy is stretched and pulled so too are we. Just as we begin to develop elasticity and feel comfortable with in our stretching the candy maker pulls us in another direction. Although this process can be painful it is necessary in the creation of taffy. The stretching is also necessary to us in our physical and spiritual development. Apparently I need a lot of stretching right now. As painful as it is I know that it is necessary for the development of my character. 

Change is inevitable and good. I am interested to see where this next phase of life leads me. Will I have a job in January? Hopefully. Where that job will be and what that job will be are unknown but it for sure will be a great adventure getting there.